I, Savage-Gentleman, dedicate this blog to my thoughts and feelings. Hoping that in sharing these i can help my followers.
When i don't post reblogs i post my writings on enlightenment, science, philosophy, religion and what's going on with my life.
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can i stay at your place? no hobo
I’ve been feeling real down lately.
See, It turns out that I’m someone who is happiest when he is giving affection. However, I was brought up in this shitty, frigid culture where affection is weird:
The only times I remember my mother saying “I love you” to me was when I was a little kid, on a few birthdays, and whenever she’s very, very worried about me- and don’t even think about being hugged. On top of that, I was brought up in a church that, except for the strawberry-flavored evangelical philosophy and bouts of religious ecstasy, could be described as cynical. It’s a place where the most common injustice I face is the taboo of being hugged (my sisters and mother can be hugged by the female ushers, but I cannot because maybe the thought of boobs-contact will turn me into a horrible boner-monster).
Bear in mind all that when I tell you about my first girlfriend:
I met her in a math class in college, and when I first saw her it was as if time had stopped. Like, if my psyche were like a Star Trek TNG episode, it would be the one where everyone gets knocked out for a day and doesn’t know it.
She sat next to me and we talked. She asked if I could be her friend, I said yes. And then a miracle happened:
She hugged me.
Here was a person for whom giving affection was common, and when I was with her I felt like I was making up for all the love I had missed out on over the course of my life. She made me happy in ways I didn’t know were possible. I just wish it could have lasted longer.
Yall may have heard me talk about her before, she broke my heart three times because she wanted to give room for three guys that came and went from her life. But when it was time for her to go home to Brasil, to an aging household, without even a diploma to her name- only I was there to see her off.
Life is funny like that.
Since her departure, i’ve been feeling more and more affection-starved. I want to be affectionate, but the only way I can be without it being weird is by being in a relationship with somebody.
"Ok, fine. Let’s do this. Let’s meet some singles!"
Oh wait, internal existentialist philosophy makes you hate bars.
"Well what about clubs?"
Nope. Fundy upbringing has forbidden recreational dancing- even though you’re latino (Just imagine a falcon without a beak or talons).
"Why don’t I just visit lounges and talk to like-minded locals?"
Can’t, live with parents because mexican tribalism (and because $7.25/hr isnt enough to pay rent in Austin) and they worry whenever I’m out past 10pm (for those of you not familiar, that’s the legal curfew for teenagers over here. I am 23 years old) and will demand I come home at/before that time or face repercussions.
"Ok, ok, ok.
How about Online Dating?”
Congradulations! You have just found yourself a new place in purgatory- behold, all these nice women who you’d love to have in your life and who, by their own description, would like to meet you too. Except, Oh Noooo!
Looks like she never got your message, must have gotten lost among all the three-word messages from your local jizz-lords. Oh Weeeelll. Try again later…
"What if I pay premium to see if she got the message?"
Lol, jk. She did get it, she just doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. Even though you’ve got all this shit going for you and she literally only has “knitting, dogs, zelda” on her profile.
"Oh look, I got a message!"
Well, I’ve got to hand it to you bub, you found the one decent person in your area- too bad she’s only replying to let you know that she doesn’t need OKC anymore. Whop-Whop
Seriously, someone go and hit the Reset button on my life. Please.
I’m feeling incredibly lonely, and I do mean that in a relationship sense.
Yeah, I know relationships arent the end-all be-all of existance, yes I know I dont need them to be happy or to prove that I am a good person. I just feel this urge; and I dont just mean sexual urge either.
I want to share my life with someone.
I want to show them the things I see, I want someone to hear the things i’ve heard and to show the feelings that I’ve felt. I want someone kind, and beautiful. Not nice because she was forced into a social status quo, and not beautiful because of the monthly truckload of product that gets used up by her alone. I mean…
Have you ever heard of the phrase “Wu Wei”? It’s a Taoist idea. You can try to learn it, but it would be best if you just tried to understand that you already know it. Wu Wei is the means of being without attempting to be. An apple tree doesn’t work hard to give apples, it simply eats, breathes, grows, and by the sheer means of being itself- gives apples.
Us people are not like the trees, we have ideas and concepts about ourselves. Models we’re expected to live up to, schedules of our lives we’re expected to uphold “Move out by 19” “Lose virginity by 21” “Have college degree by 25” “Never be poor, always be rich” “Never be single, always in a relationship” But is that who we really are? Do we really want to live our entire lives playing an endless game of catch-up?
Being able to separate yourself from all those pressures, from all that noise, is called serenity.
Back to my previous train of thought; I want someone who is beautiful not just because they take care of themseves, but because they are genuine with themselves and with others. I want someone who is kind not because she wants to get ahead in life, but because kindness is her preferred way of being,
I’m not expecting to land someone perfect.
At this point, I dont even expect to land someone at all.
Right now, in this dim little corner, I just want to be aknowledged.
I just wish that all those people who i’d been meeting on ock wouldn’t just up and stop talking or outright ignore my message- I know you read them, i’ve payed the website extra just so I can stop holding on to false hopes. I sometimes wonder what the point of even trying is.
why bother trying to solve a problem of wanting to be affectionate and having no one to be affectionate to?
just suffer, as all humanity suffers, and hold firm the hope that like the rest of humanity, i too am just a wisp in the wind.